Goodbye

Readers, if there are actually any of you out there,

T’is a sad day. After a lot of thought, I’ve decided too call it a day. Fishballs is saying goodbye.

Numerous reasons have made me think that this is the right thing to do.

1. Who reads this?

2. I’ve become addicted to other Blogs and it’s, quite frankly, not right. I’m currently reading ‘Brenda’s’ Blog daily and keeping up to date on her life. The problem of her daughter/granddaughter custody malarkey is not yet resolved. Sad. She’s going through ‘the change’ at just 35, and from a recent picture, I’d say she lives in a trailer park. She’s also the most frequent ‘commenter’ in her own Blog’s comments section. As for Anthony’s Blog, smart little Anthony had the sense to quit Blogging before he got in too deep. The James Dean of Blogging, he left us too soon with his last post on February 16th that simply read “moneymoneymoneymoney” Do I need to go on? Do you care about these people? No. Do I? Yes. That’s wrong and it’s Blog addiction gone too far.

3. The hardback edition of Fishballs: A Blogger's Blog will never be on the shelves, let alone in time for f*cking Christmas. The Guardian didn’t give a f*ck when I e-mailed them twice to let them know about my Blog. Even Gilbert Koh (remember him? My first official reader? The poet from Singapore?) decided there wasn’t enough poetry here for him to justify putting a link to my Blog on his. Well, how do you like this, Gilbert Koh? –

Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
Gilbert Koh,
Stinks like shit!

4. As if the above is not reason enough, I’m addicted to my own Blog. Not reading it, not even writing it, merely watching the “0 comments” stay the same and the hits counter at the bottom going up by 1 every time I check for other visitors.

5. Can I stop now?

Ok, that’s me and my reasoning. I’m sorry, but this is it. The end. I ask you only one thing, Readers. If you’re actually out there, please do leave a comment. You needn’t say much, but just something that tells me that ‘Yes, Fishballs, you had readers’ Ok? It’s not a lot to ask. Please?

Right then. I wish every last one of you (or even just the one of you) all the best. As you surf the Net, the ol’ internet super highway, spare a thought for Fishballs once in a while. “Destined to be the great online social commentator of our day, taken away from us so soon, what would Fishballs make of this?” you'll ask yourself as you stumble across the latest news. Hmmm…

Fishballs leaves you now, so spare a thought for what might have been. Take care, sweet readers, and carry me in your hearts. There’s a REAL world out there, one that doesn’t end in .com. Go outside, smell the world, taste it, live your lives. But remember to Blog about it, 'cause I’ll be reading.

I thank you and good night.

Blog number twenty-seven

Readers, I married them too soon.

I'm sorry, I feel I rushed into making a family far too quick. Brenda and Steve are just not right for each other. I found Brenda's Blog again and boy, does that bitch have problems? Tomorrow, she is going to report her daughter to the Child Protection Service over neglect to her granddaughter. She may never see her granddaughter again, that's if Crystal gets her way!

I shit you not, while this is going on, Steve, her 'husband' in my fantasy Blog family, is making "Quick Cinnamon Buns with Buttermilk Icing" And I quote...

"This recipe is a quick alternative to working with yeast dough in camp. As the name implies, they’re (relatively) quick. And they make a great accompaniment to your next campfire breakfast."

Erm, sorry Steve, got more important child/grandchild issues to care about. Seriously, some people!

As for Anthony, I'm beginning to think he may have died (his lack of spelling ability implies a lack of education, agree? Maybe a sickly child, spent most of his early childhood in Long Beach, California's equivalent of Great Ormond Street. Just an idea.). His Blog's not been updated in a while. Hmm....

As for fat and happy cousin Jenny, she's turned boring. Stupid urban femme.

I'm sorry, I thought creating a family would be great and it's not quite the bed of roses I thought it would be. Ah well, I've just found out that in 2 days time I have no lessons. Will be back then, hopefully with a cyber-Blog family in tow. Any suggestions for Blog family members, let me know

Til next time, guys and gals...

Blog number twenty-six

Hey there, Readers,

Who’s the daddy?

No, I’ve not gone all macho on you, I’m merely asking who the father is in my new fantasy Blog family. Quick recap for you: so far we have Anthony, 14. His ‘mother’ is 35 and writes a Blog about her 'real' family, so we’ll have to just ignore that. She also has no name and I can’t remember her Blog’s address so we’ll have to just call her… Brenda? Let’s call her Brenda. Anthony has a cousin who is an urban femme living in New York. She’s fat, but happy. She’s older and we’re gonna have to create some familial link soon between them, maybe an Aunt or Uncle. Hmm….

Anyway, after a lot of thinking and not much searching, I’ve found them a patriarch. Oh Readers, what a mighty patriarch he is. His name is Steve and he’s probably in his 50s. He’s ex-Navy, a Christian, and his hobby is out door cooking. He is a particular fan of Dutch Ovens. Here’s what him and The Bible have to say about wives…

“ 'Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered' (1 Peter 3:7).

Husbands are to live with their wives. This means you’re to dwell with her in close harmony. To dwell with one's wife "with understanding" means that husbands are to know, to understand, to comprehend their nature, especially as it fits in the marriage relationship. Learn about your wife, what pleases her and what makes her "tick." And honor your wife by putting her on a pedestal. She’s the love of your life, no one else. Remember that as Christians, you and your wife are "heirs together." Study together, pray together, worship together.And husbands, there’s a much more serious side to the equation. Peter says that your prayers before God will be hindered if you ignore his command. We have a solemn duty to God and to your wife to dwell, understand and honor.”

I just know that him and Brenda are gonna get on just great. Oh boy, imagine Anthony’s face when he first eats from Steve’s Dutch Oven. Ah, the joy of having God-like status and creating a happy family unit from mere scraps of identity found online. This is better than Blogging about my own life, much better. What have I done today? Hmm… taught some kids, eaten breakfast and lunch, played games with some kids, and… made me my very own online family!

Readers, I give you the happily married Brenda and Steve, their adorable son Anthony, and their neice, Jenny (urban, New York-dwelling femme). Enjoy. I’m off to hunt for Brenda’s Blog so I can take more of her life for future reference. I hope you get on well with Steve, I know you’ll all get used to him.
Til next time, guys and gals…

Blog number twenty-five

Afternoon, readers,

I've been a fairly busy Fishballs since coming back to work so I can only apologise for not updating this sooner. "If you're not reading this everyday, you're wasting your fucking life" - I stand by that (or rather, Richard and Judy stand by that) despite this not being updated daily at the minute. Hey, you could read it and reread it and learn it by heart, or something.

Anyway, work has been getting duller by the day and when I can, I do so like to read the lives of other's. I've recently been an avid reader of a 14 year old boy (young Anthony, one of his last posts read, "BRUCE IS GAY AND FRUTY") and most recently a porn addict. Today's guest Blogger is "a married mother of an Anime-obsessed 12-yo daughter who is such fun to be around, and a confused 18-yo stepdaughter who had [her] first granddaughter in August 2004" She goes by some pretentious mystical name so I decided not to bother including it. Anyway, enjoy this snippet of someone else's life.....

"So here's the deal: Crystal called us at like 11:00 last night and basically demanded a ride for her and her boyfriend from the bowling alley in Mount Vernon to her "Aunt" Brigitte's apt. in Burlington. Plus her kiddo is sick again and she is pawning her off on other people all the time. I was so proud of Tim, he actually told her NO! He told her that if she walked there, she could walk her ass home too; and that she shouldn't really be out if her child is sick anyway!! We were playing cards with Earl and Freddy at the time, and I fully expected him to cut it short and run to her aid but he didn't. I think he is finally getting tired of only hearing from her when she wants something. On an aside, the trellis that Tim and I put up yesterday looks great, we put it on the back side of the house, perpendicular to the driveway as a privacy shield from the neighbor kid who sits in his bedroom smoking his bong all the time... I put in some pink jasmine and star jasmine at the base, alternating for foliage interest. It should take over the whole damned thing in no time. Okee Doke, I smell like feet so I'm gonna go shower..."

I like that. In my head I'm starting to imagine some kind of fantasy Blog Family. I like to imagine today's Blogger as young Anthony's mother. Anthony has an older.... cousin, let's make her a cousin, who's an urban femme living in New York. Anthony and his mystical mother live somewhere between www.longbeachcalifornia.com and www.mountvernon/burlington.com which is located somewhere on the world wide web of Bloggers. I think tomorrow I'm gonna give Anthony a father and his mystical mother, a husband. He won't be called Tim, I'm not sure of his name yet but soon they will be a complete family.

I'd better go now, really, as I'm thinking I could go on forever in my Blog fantasy world. Hmmm...

Anyway, til next time, guys and gals...

Blog number twenty-four

Greetings, Readers!

Worry not, our hero has returned. Not in especially high spirits, however, yet Fishballs is indeed back. I can only apologize for my long absence, which was due to a well-earned break for Chinese New Year. Kung hei fat choy, to you all.

Well, I'm not feeling too tip-top today for a couple of reasons. 1) My Blog appears to have had about 5 visitors in my 11-day absence. 2) I'm back at work. Well, I say work; so far I've sat alone in the staff room while the other teachers take part in teacher training. It's conducted in Chinese and I'm not a Chinese speaker so I'm given leave from these things to get on with my own work. 'My own work' today has so far consisted of Internet perusal and dreaming of food.

Anyway, enough about the here and the now, you must be wondering what hilarious and hell-raising antics Fishballs has been up to. 11 days is a long time in Blogging. Well, after my last Blog, myself and Mrs. Fishballs took a trip to Thailand. Five days spent in the sun and the sleaze of the sex tourists’ dream destination. Imagine it: sun (so hot that Fishballs and co. were almost completely crippled with sun burnt skin) sex (ok, without going into too many details, I will say these few words: ping-pong balls, ribbons, razor blades, private dancers, poles, trumpets. Disgusting. Was tempted to ask for my money back. Call that a show?) sand ( what is there to really say about sand?) and sea.

That was Thailand, and what followed was merely another glorious week off, relaxing and not thinking about work. Valentine’s Day was the other day, that was nice. Nice presents from Mrs. Fishballs were reciprocated with a box of mint Matchmakers. You should’ve seen her face. Loved ‘em.

Well, now that Fishballs is back at work, life seems incredibly dull and bland. It’s times like this I give thanks for the exciting life of others. Today’s guest Blogger with a life mildly more interesting than mine is Anthony from California. He’s only young and doesn’t seem too good at spelling but I couldn’t help myself getting fascinated by him. Sounds like my kinda guy.

"I AM 14 YEARS OLD IN HIGH SCHOOL. IN MY FAMILY IT IS ME, MOM, DAD AND MY LITTLE BROTHER MICHAEL. I GET UP AT 6:00 EVERY DAY JUST TO GO TO SCHOOL. I DO NOT MIND GETING UP SO EARLY BECAUSE I AM AN EARLY BIRD. I LIKE TO WERE NEW SHOES AND NOT OLD ONES THAT ARE GROWING ROTS. I LIKE TO EAT PIZZA AND DRINK GATERAID, THE GREEN KIND. I ALSO LIKE TACOS BUT NOT FROM TACOBELL BECAUSE THAT GOT ME SICK, I WAS THROWING UP ALL KINDS OF STUFF THAT I DIDN'T KNOW THAT I HAD IN MY STUMICK. I AM 14. I DO NOT LIKE TO PLAY GO FISH. I HATE PEOPLE WHO ARE TRYING TO SEE IF THAY NO ME. IT IS MY WAY OR THE HIGH WAY. IF YOU DO NOT LIKE MY WEB SITE THAN SINE OFF. I DO NOT LIKE TO SLEEP ALL DAY LIKE JOHN WHO LIVES ACROOS THE STREET FROM ME. BOY CAN THAT GUY SLEEP. ON THE OTHER HAND (WITCH IS MY LEFT) I DO LIKE TO PLAY VIDEO GAMES, GO ON THE INTERNET AND FIND NEW STUFF, AND DATE GIRLS."

Cool, huh? Here’s to Anthony… clink. Well, I’d really better get me some work done, I’m not paid to Blog, despite my dreams. Take care, good readers.

Til next time, guys and gals…